Time is the greatest Gift

'TIME'....this may be one of the hardest blogs i will write, and I pondered a while ...

 should I? shouldn't I ? Believe me at this moment my heart is pounding, I feel slightly anxious, and still feel hesitant. But as in my bio states ' i'm laying myself bare', so it is important I write as candid and honest as possible.

The biggest reason I started this blog was to talk about growing older, and how we feel about it, me personally getting to fifty is really tough, most people know me as a 'funny' person, hence my blog title.  Obviously everyone has thoughts, fears, worries about life.  I wanted to talk about why I feel this way to try and maybe help other people and maybe get some answers myself. 

                                                 
                                                    My Beautiful funny, gorgeous Mum....

When she was 50 years young, she was diagnosed with Early onset Alzheimers

The link explains the scientific, biological reason why, but for my Dad and my sister its life changing and shocking.  My Nana also had this horrific disease but she was slightly older, I was obviously younger  so can't really remember as much, my Mum and Dad helped my nana so I suppose we were shielded from what was happening.  When it first happened my lovely Dad had to fight for her diagnoses as it is difficult to see unless you know the person inside out!  its a slight change in personality, or maybe forgetting a small thing, which to many would seem quite normal.

I know some may say you cant spend your life thinking maybe ill get this awful disease, maybe I wont, But I challenge anyone to be honest and say would you not have it niggling at the back of your mind, slowly coming to the forefront as the time gets nearer, a ticking clock.  It's definitely becoming more prominent , so this is why I really don't want to be Fab Fifty! also why I started my Blog. In all the research Ive done over the years its a common statement:

  'If you don't use it you lose it!'

Your Brain/Memory , is so complex.  I've always classed myself as a person that over analyse's situations, and circumstances, a true thinker!  so for me trying to forget or put it to the back of my brain is impossible.  My sister and I have discussed options, 'the Test', which tells you if you carry the gene to dictate your probability of getting the disease, so would it change my way of thinking?

No! and could it make you more anxious , YES! worrying all the time, i've forgotton something, which is perfectly normal to forget, who hasn't run upstairs then said to them selves "why am I here, what have I come up for?'

So in a way my thoughts are 'let nature take its course', I am a believer, I do believe that God has a plan for each and everyone of us, we will be here for as long as he wants us to be, he's testing us on earth,... well he's certainly testing me now!  I really want to think and feel I can enjoy my road to 50, and there will be good times after, which Im sure there will be!  I know I am truly blessed with a wonderful devoted Hubby, gorgeous daughter , lovely Dad , lovely Sister and the best friends  so I will have support through any path I travel, which some may not.

Alzheimers is a cruel intrusive life taking thing, my gorgeous Mum , throughout her ten years of having the disease still found in her a strength which I can only hope I would have, she was always laughing, with a bright smile, and sunny smiling eyes, we still sang and danced in our silly way, whenever, wherever we were....in the kitchen , garden, car...anywhere really, even though i'm sure deep down her heart was breaking and her fears were true.  My Dad was and still is an inspiration to me, how he was always so patient, kind and loving to my Mum, Good, bad or indifferent days. His Love shone through... his vows were truly adhered to  " I will Love you for richer for poorer ,In sickness and in health".  

There are many articles and a lot of information, seminars on Alzheimers but for me after all that, watching my lovely Mum go through it, there are still some grey areas, they say the person cannot remember there loved ones, and maybe most of the time its cloudy for them and confusing, but I know on more than one occasion my Mum knew me, I have a very special moment I shared with mum, that will stay with me forever, its special to me and in that moment Im 100% sure she knew who I was, as i am sure my Dad did.  

Am I angry... Yes! Im Angry because it takes away the person you know and leaves a shell, and No one  wants to be remembered as that shell.
I remember when the book Still Alice came out, I was slightly hesitant to read it, but did, and wow it was so poignant , and then when they made it into a film, I had to watch on my own, i knew it would be emotional , and it truly was, but also helped to see how it affected other families, your thoughts the same as others, which is always helpful when trying to place together your own fears and anxieties ,making sense of them is so hard, but with other peoples experiences hopefully it can aid your feelings. Im still and will be very hopeful that with all the research the Alzheimers Society does that one day they will be closer to a cure and they can slow down the process to a point of leading a virtually normal life.
I hope that in writing this blog people can talk about there fears of getting older and maybe together we can help each other, and I can't promise I wont have more serious blogs because I feel its important to talk about happy and sad things, its who we are and who we become.

So as I said earlier Time is precious spend it wisely and with the ones you Love 💋